Dad Jokes, One-Liners, and Puns

One Liners, Puns and Dad Jokes

• My wife and I took a 1000 mile road trip to see our family. My uncle asked us if we took turns driving on the way up. I replied, "Yeah. It was too hard to get here in a straight line."
• While applying for Australian citizenship, the officer asked me, "do you have a criminal history?" I said "No. Is that still required?"
• My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She almost poked my eye out!
• Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
• Why did the blind man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
• My Italian friend's car wouldn’t start because there was gnocchi in the ignition
• I would really like things to spiral into control every once in a while.
• Carrots are good for your eyes, but wine can double your vision.
• When someone is complaining about bad drivers just let them talk - they hate it when you cut them off.
• Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't
• Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet but most only have four?
• "Dad, do you know what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun."
• A beekeeper ordered 12 bees online but got 13. When he called customer service, they said it was a freebie.
• What did the llama say to his wife before they went on vacation? "Alpacas."
• I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
• The most dangerous kind of canoe are volcanoes.
• Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards will get a reward.
• If my name was David and I had a boy, I would name him Harley, so he could introduce himself as "I'm Harley, David's son."
• I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary, and I learned next to nothing.
• My friend got a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character, you should've seen the Luke on his face.
• When a cowboy asked if I could help him round up 18 cows, I said "Sure, that's 20 cows."
• My software development team had a debate on what the best looping variable name is. I won.
• How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats? They carry the one.
• What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison.
• My wife wanted to go on vacation but I wanted a staycation so we compromised and had an altercation.
• My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Now, I don't know if that's actually true or just one of Granny's myths.
• I joined the Boy Scouts fully expecting to fix car and truck horns... I thought the motto was "Beep repaired".
• Overheard at the ER: "How's the boy who swallowed the coins?" "No change yet."
• A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog. It is a shitzu.
• What is blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
• I like math because I enjoy being mentally challenged.
• I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Police have confirmed that man who fell from the roof of a night club was not a bouncer.
• A mandate is not a law. It's when two or more fellas go out for lunch.
• I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
• I was confused when my printer started playing music until I realized it was just the paper jamming.
• OMG! I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person! All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
• "Welcome back everybody!" is apparently not a good way to start a speech if you're the best man at your friend's second wedding.
• I'm two weeks into my diet and so far I've lost 14 days.
• I read a book that changed my life then I read another book that changed it back again.
• A good paradox is the worst
• A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbit walk into a lab for a blood test... the rabbit looks up and says, "I'm definitely a Typo!"
• It's been an odd morning, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.
• Chewing gum for sale: mint condition.
• When filling out a job application, I saw they had a section for "previous life experience", so I wrote down that I was a Pharaoh in 2300 B.C.
• I used tie watches to my belt, until I realized it was a waist of time.
• Why did Sherlock Holmes visit New Mexico? To find good case ideas.
• What group of people never get angry? Nomads.
• What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.
• My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex because they're his watch dogs.
• Why don't pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? Because they just wash up on shore.
• Ladies, Mansplaining is short for "Man Explaining".
• I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
• My wife asked for something with diamonds for her birthday, so I bought her a pack of cards.
• My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
• If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly line.
• I keep notes about cows in my cattle log.
• Yesterday I was fired from the keyboard factory. Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
• Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?
• People who get offended by fat jokes need to lighten up.
• I've finally stopped drinking for good so now I just drink for evil.
• It's Diarrhea Awareness Week. It starts Monday and runs through to Friday.
• Alligators can live to be 100 years old, which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.
• I thought the admission to the carnival would be too much but it was a fair price.
• Parallel lines have so much in common, so it's a shame they’ll never meet.
• I was having a very pleasant dream about a horse last night, but it suddenly turned into a night mare.
• My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list, but now I can't read anything.
• My doctor told me to drink a glass of red wine after a hot bath but I can't even finish drinking the bath.
• I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor my first day at the job. Deep down, I realized it wasn't for me.
• My wife left me because of my gambling addiction, but I know I can win her back.
• I signed up for the company's 401k, but I don't think I can run that far.
• I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink and am now at urgent care waiting to be seen.
• What has 4 letters, always has 6 letters and never has 5 letters.
• My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying "Are you even listening to me?"
• I'm always frank with my sexual partners. I don't want them knowing my real name.
• I accidentally bit the inside of my cheek and now it hurts like crazy everytime I sit down.
• Nothing tops a plain pizza.
• To cut a long story short, I became a film editor.
• OK, just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
• I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
• My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name, so I called her Bluff.
• The thief who stole my iPhone could face time.
• I tried to remarry my ex-wife but She figured out I was only after my money.
• I, for one, like Roman Numerals
• My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making and now, I can't read anything.
• The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
• I asked the librarian if there were any books on how to make money from giving massages. She said 'Paperback?' I said yes, that makes the most sense.
• My eye doctor told me I was color blind. That diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
• My chicken proof lawn is impeccable.
• A lot of people hate ring shaped islands, but I don't think they're bad atoll.
• I enjoy making fat jokes because they target a wider audience.
• I live just a stone's throw away from the family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
• My nephew was caught eating electrical cords, so my sister grounded him until he conducts himself properly.
• Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
• I'm at that age where I can only enjoy Alphabetti pasta with my reading glasses on.
• Today I realized that nothing begins with "n" and ends with "g".
• This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success. It was as big as the last two combined!
• My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: "Sure, my door is always open."
• I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, "This one can seat three people without any problems." I said, "Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?"
• Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
• Got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday, must have been something I said.
• "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "Don't know. Don't care."
• My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday because I have a weekend immune system.
• I asked the judge to shorten my sentence and he interrupted me.
• My wife was furious with me today because I put a stick in the no-stick pan.
• I am terrified of elevators so I'm taking steps to avoid them.
• I always find it crazy how it only takes 5 mins to walk to the pub, but 45 mins to walk home. The difference is staggering.
• Breaking news: A match factory is on fire after workers decided to strike.
• I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn't be able to make it.
• It's impossible to surprise a snowman because it has ice in the back of its head.
• The re-opening of LEGO stores was a big event in 2020. Really? Oh yeah. People were lined up for blocks.
• We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier but it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.
• I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor. He was in the wrong craft.
• The last thing my grandfather said before he died was "Pints. Liters. Gallons." which spoke volumes.
• Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
• I used to be a member of the secret cooking society but they kicked me out for spilling the beans.
• When I saw my sister crying, I asked, "Are you having a crisis?"
• Jokes about menstrual cycles aren't funny... period.
• I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
• A blind person was eating seafood. It didn't help.
• I just gave away all of my dead batteries free of charge.
• Nobody knows how the fire started at Notre Dame but Quasimodo has a hunch.
• I was bit by a radioactive lawyer and ended up with the power of attorney.
• If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
• People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
• If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
• People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell and, looking at it now, I see why.
• My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances, well, she's in for a shock.
• A friend told me he dug a hole in my backyard and filled it with water - I thought he meant well.
• I got chatting to a lumberjack the other day. He seemed like a decent feller.
• My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, but I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
• You couldn't pay me to do volunteer work.
• A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.
• Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
• An ink drop was crying because his mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.
• A man with authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.
• It is so cold that I had to cut up my piano for firewood, unfortunately I only got two chords.
• I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him, my fault for buying a pure bread dog.
• I saw a sign that said, "watch for children" and I thought, "that sounds like a fair trade."
• I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.
• White Boards are remarkable.
• I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back, he made a bolt for the door.
• Vodka might not be the answer, but it's worth a shot.
• A zen student asked the hot dog vendor to make him one with everything.
• Is a crazy horse unstable?
• My kid was acting up at the doctor so I asked him to be a little patient.
• My worst job was working in a recycling center crushing cans. That was sodapressing.
• If you bring up plastic surgery in Hollywood, no one raises an eyebrow.
• My girlfriend thinks I am incapable of being faithful but my wife never mentions it.
• I went from 0 to 50 in half a century.
• Whoever named them 'missiles' wasn't being very optimistic.
• I would be willing to have almost any super power, but I can't see myself being invisible.
• I knew a guy so crazy he robbed a train just so he could tell the story later. Talk about a loco motive.
• I was reading about pig anatomy; it was pretty standard, but when I got to the end, I discovered there was a twist in the tale.
• I used to be shy, but since I've started rock climbing, I feel boulder.
• The shoemaker cobbled together a pretty good livelihood.
• The oddest years of my high school career were 9th and 11th.
• Many photons make light work.
• You can't tell jokes to kleptomaniacs because they take things literally.
• I wouldn't say that my life is spiraling wildly out of control - "spiraling" implies a level of direction and order.
• Blunt pencils are pointless.
• The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms
• I'm looking at my ceiling - not saying it's the greatest ceiling in the world... but it's up there
• Anything can be a balanced meal if it's the right distance from the fulcrum.
• I've been so constipated since eating that Monopoly board, I can't even pass Go.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
• Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee.
• I went to a tourist information booth and said 'Tell me about some people who were here last year.'
• Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny.
• I was Caesarean born. Can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Does the name 'Quasimodo' ring a bell?
• I didn't want to put the apostrophe between n and t but i was contractionally obligated.
• I broke a mirror in my house and I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
• I was going to take Jonathan's place on the debating team, but he talked me out of it.
• As I get older I'm just thankful that wrinkles don't hurt.
• Everyone said that the mad scientist's brain-swapping machine would never work, but I bet he'll change a lot of people's minds.
• My friend was late to our cannibal dinner party, so I gave him the cold shoulder.
• This coffee isn't my cup of tea.
• When deaf people fight, they let their fists do the talking
• Shout out to the guy who just missed three good pitches in baseball....
• I've got a hunch something is wrong with my spine.
• When will we come to our census and figure out how many people are in the country?
• My friends and I experimented sexually in high school, I was the control group.
• If this is tea bring me coffee, and if it is coffee bring me tea.
• A lady goes a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, he gives her one.
• Heaen is missing an angle.
• You can say whatever you want about deaf people

Pangrams

These are sentences that use every letter of the alphabet.

• A boy, Max, felt quick during his hazy weaving jumps.
• A large fawn jumped quickly over white zinc boxes.
• A quick movement of the enemy will jeopardize six gunboats.
• All questions asked by five watch experts amazed the judge.
• Big July earthquakes confound zany experimental vow.
• Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him.
• Brick quiz whangs jumpy veldt fox!
• Dumpy kibitzer jingles as exchequer overflows.
• Exquisite farm wench gives body jolt to prize stinker.
• Five big quacking zephyrs jolt my wax bed.
• Five or six big jet planes zoomed quickly by the tower.
• Five wine experts jokingly quizzed sample Chablis.
• Fred specialized in the job of making very quaint wax toys.
• Freight to me sixty dozen quart jars and twelve black pans.
• Grumpy wizards make toxic brew for the evil Queen and Jack.
• Harry, jogging quickly, axed zen monks with beef vapor.
• Hick Jed wins quiz for extra blimp voyage.
• How quickly daft jumping zebras vex.
• Jack amazed a few girls by dropping the antique onyx vase!
• Jackdaws love my sphinx of black quartz.
• Jay visited back home and gazed upon a brown fox and quail.
• Jeb quickly drove a few extra miles on the glazed pavement.
• Jim just quit and packed extra bags for Liz Owen.
• Just keep examining every low bid quoted for zinc etchings.
• Many-wived Jack laughs at probes of sex quiz.
• May Jo equal the fine record by solving six puzzles a week?
• Mix Zapf with Veljovic and get quirky Beziers.
• Mr. Jock, TV quiz PhD, bags few lynx.
• My grandfather picks up quartz and valuable onyx jewels.
• Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
• Playing jazz vibe chords quickly excites my wife.
• Puzzled women bequeath jerks very exotic gifts.
• Quick wafting zephyrs vex bold Jim.
• Six big devils from Japan quickly forgot how to waltz.
• Six crazy kings vowed to abolish my quite pitiful jousts.
• Sympathizing would fix Quaker objectives.
• The exodus of jazzy pigeons is craved by squeamish walkers.
• The five boxing wizards jump quickly.
• The five boxing wizards jumped quickly.
• The job of waxing linoleum frequently peeves chintzy kids.
• The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.
• The vixen jumped quickly on her foe barking with zeal.
• Turgid saxophones blew over Mick's jazzy quaff.
• Verily the dark ex-Jew quit Zionism, preferring the cabala.
• Viewing quizzical abstracts mixed up hefty jocks.
• We have just quoted on nine dozen boxes of gray lamp wicks.
• West quickly gave Bert handsome prizes for six juicy plums.
• William Jex quickly caught five dozen Republicans.